I'm tired of all my friends here trying to make decisions about my life for me. I am glad that I have friends that worry and care about me, but I am also frustrated that they seem to not be respecting my choices. I work, a lot. I work about 15-17 hours a week now and 20 to 25 when we are putting up a new show in the art gallery. Classtime totals 13 hours a week. Then tutoring and my feild work totals 4 hours a week.  There are 168 hours in the week. So, 168-17-13-4=134. Lets not forget eating or sleeping. I eat twice a day and usually set aside an hour each. So that's another 14 hours. And sleep; I NEED SLEEP. On average I go to bed at at 10:30pm and wake up at 7:30, that's nine hours totalling 63 hours. That doesn't mean I get that though, and when I don't... I am not functioning well the next day, or throughout the week.  So 136-14-63=59. 59 hours LEFT in the week to do homework and try to have a social life. Lets break this down further. They say for every hour of class, you spend 2 hours of homework, and here.. its feels like more, but lets just follow this rule., which is about 26 hours of homework. 59-26= That leaves 33 hours left of 'freetime' if something else doesn't come up, meaning extra homework, family emergency, or whatever.  I try to talk to michael 5 times a week, for an hour each. 33-5=28... I have a little over 'a day' of free time....

More times than not, I don't want to do anything if I have free time. I don't want to go out. I don't want to go to whatever event they have on campus.. I literally want to do nothing. I want to sit or lay down and watch a movie or something. So, when they try to 'convince me' to go out after I say no, it pisses me off ..and hurts my feelings. I want to go out, by really.. i just don't have the energy. By friday, I am spent...and exhausted...

I stayed up past midnight on thursday to get all my homework done for friday's class. I talked to michael and was practically falling asleep on the phone, so about 8ish I called it quits. I texted 2 of the girls here telling them thanks for the invite but I am going to bed, and instead of 'yea you mentioned today you were exhausted' i get "i'm seriously worried about you." I don't know.. I feel like,  i decided what was best for me and my body was to listen to it... it was saying so obviously that I needed sleep, so I slept instead of hanging out with people.

I'm upset that my social life is dwindling.. but I also do want to get sick and part of that is keeping my body rested. I can't afford the time off to be sick. I don't want to miss class, literally can't afford to miss work, not mention that I won't do the homework when I am sick, so once I get 'better' that is just more shit I have to do in a limited amount of time.

I guess I am just worried that some of them will ' start an intervention' which will only make me resent them. If they can pay for college so I don't have to work... then yes, I will GLADLY hang out with them and actually have time for myself. But until then, the only people who are paying for my schooling is myself and my mother, who is unemployed and is paying for her own education as well. I have to work. I have to homework because my education is highly important to me.

So, I realized that I did not talk about this big project I am doing. In my Drawing 2 class, we are currently working on a subject matter series. Basically, we talked about reoccurring themes in our artwork or something we wanted to dabble in. Well, hearts have always fascinated me even though they haven't shown up much in my own art. I had this idea of phrases like "heavy heart" and "broken heart" or "pull on my heart strings" and drawing what I thought those meant. Well, she asked us to think it over for the weekend, and I got to thinking well, what if I drew what my heart looked like with those phrases, which turned into, "what did my heart look like during certain times in my life?" So right now, I am in the process of doing just that.

But I took it a step further. The Dumpee often times throws things away or burns stuff. I on the other hand put everything in one box that any ex has given me. I called it "the boyfriend box". I figured sense I was doing what my heart looked like during my life, in particular, during and after my relationships, why not use the stuff in that box?

So far, 2 our of the mandatory pieces are done. I had written a facebook status about how Mikie and Byron will forever be immortalized in art (or something like that) and they 'liked' my status. I don't think they realize it wont be 'good' art.

I did a piece about Byron. In the background is the letter he written me after we broke up about everything that was wrong in or relationship that he NEVER talked about. I printed many copies, then cut and ripped them, and pasted them on a canvas so I could draw on them. Then, a tree with no lives with 2 beautiful poems inside the trunk. From the branch is a heart hung, in a style of a noose. I'm calling it "Hanging on your words". The heart used in this piece is actually a heart-shaped-jem-thing, that Byron given me.

For Mikie, its messy, violent, and uncomfortable. I say uncomfortable because my class mates said when they looked at it, they felt uncomfortable. Its layered with watercolor, color pencils, canvas primer, and charcoal. The biggest thing in the piece is actually a shatter heart and they way I colored it and manipulated, it looks like it a bleeding. Unintentionally, it also has all these 'little organized cuts' that look a lot like the type I used to do on my skin. I am also going to write some words that Mikie had said to me around the heart or maybe my feelings.

Today, I ripped up more letters that they both had written me and made paper out of it.
Through all this... it just feels..wonderful.

The not so wonderful part is that Michael ( my boyfriend now) is not in WI. He packed up a lot of his stuff, and tried moving. The guy who he was renting his living space from however never called him back. He never met with Mike and basically just blew him off. Mike also didn't have a job waiting for him.

Mike looked a prolonged temporary stay place, but Mike said he didn't even want to live there. Now, if you rememeber all my stories about his last places and how he got his computer stolen, the fact that even Mike didn't want to put up with it was bad. It was also 92 dollars a week. At that time, he would be spending more money than he would be making. Especially without a job.

So, after much talking and crying, we decided it was best for him to go back. He had a job still at Qdoba and possibly a promotion. He also had a place to live.

It sucked... him leaving. I cried a lot yesterday. It wasn't suppose to happen this way. But, hopefully, we will both learn and grow from it. We both know what to do ( and not to do) next time. Plus, I think our relationship is strong enough to overcome this.

I Just made this Video, so if ya could, at least watch it, rate it, something, that would be great! By the way, its a bit of yaoi-goodness, but sadly nothing is exposed. Also, its just pictures, but I'm quite proud of myself



Linkage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmMkpQI0pdw

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